Sexist Women

Ladies this one is for you, and me. I’ve noticed that many of my young, independent, female friends have really sexist ideals about men. Many women today are self-sufficient, but I do feel that certain unreasonable expectations do pervade when it comes to the financial status of the men we date. Many of these financial expectations, like having an impressive job, driving a nice car, affording vacations, we are not even imposing on ourselves. It’s as if some of us are caught between the 1950s housewife and the 21st century do-it-all female models of society. Are we saying to ourselves - "Oh boy, it’s nice that we can accomplish all these things, but isn’t it so much nicer when our man does it instead?

Men should not be expected to afford to take us to a fancy restaurant. If they can, and that’s their lifestyle, then sure. But, I personally hold a rule that I do not let the guy pay for me unless we are in a monogamous committed relationship. Otherwise, we split the bill. It’s not okay for a guy who we barely know to buy us a $100 meal unless you are willing to do the same for them. If it’s a first date and he takes you somewhere expensive and you can’t cover your share, then pay for some of it at least, even if he’s loaded. We can’t be angry at men who shower us with presents and then have certain expectations in return. We know exactly why they are doing it - because they are trying to impress us, sometimes sadly the best way they know how, and the way they think will be responded to most effectively. Sure, it’s nice to receive presents and expensive dinners and shopping sprees but unless you're a charity case, or it’s being reciprocated then you're putting yourself back about 50 years in the struggle for female equality.

If we continue to play second string in society and act like it’s a man’s world, then that’s exactly the way it’s going to be. Men should not be expected to drive and have a car when you don’t even have your license. Put on your big girl pants and go get your own car; if you can’t afford it quite yet, then don’t expect that he should be able to. You can always take a romantic bus ride together.

Being treated well and being treated like a lady does not mean a man needs to spend a lot of money on you. If a man can impress without waving his wallet around then he’s got my attention. Ladies, men are constantly responding to our mercenary and superficial expectations and then we get upset when a relationship still feels like it’s lacking. It’s because many men haven’t had the need to work out their romantic muscles. Men who do not have money sometimes don’t even make an effort because they already feel defeated. So like a peacock, the men with money and status flaunt themselves around introducing themselves by saying their name and their title at the company they work for, ordering the most expensive champagne at the bar. Sure, these Bay Street babes look shiny but let’s not forget we’ve got feathers of our own to fly. (corny but hey, it gave you a visual)

What really counts is someone who is kind, respectful, thoughtful and loving. (I'm sure you have your own list.) A man should be able to prove that he has value and can add value without tangible things and that’s a rule for all. You should be able to prove that first and foremost in any relationship.

In society men are still expected to be the primary providers but I think we need to get out of that mentality and ask ourselves why IS it like that? There's an alternative way of thinking? Now, I’m not saying that we should scrap some of the more traditional the models: A man being the sole breadwinner and a woman being a stay at home mum is a fine model if one chooses that path - I’m just saying we should change our expectations to give a broader spectrum for other models to exist.

The only way women can truly harness their independence and understand their limitlessness potential to succeed, despite of societal restraints, is to shake off these antiquated expectations that are laid on men; expectations that are sometimes so ingrained in our psyche it’s difficult to fully identify. As young women if we already expect men to afford things we can’t then we’ve already lost the battle. Our twenties is usually the time we are focusing on our careers and if we expect the men we date to be in better financial standing than us, then we are in turn expecting them to be doing better in their jobs and careers than us; The same jobs and careers we may be vying for. Just think of men and women as two humans (I know mind boggling) starting out on an even plane (again, ground breaking) and although we can be aware of the realities of this world, think beyond that and free ourselves and our men of these expectations we place on them, only then we are capable of changing our perceptions, able to affect our realities and in effect a true paradigm shift in our worlds.

Race versus nationality and citizenship

I just finished reading an excellent article in TorontoLife about how the next generation of kids in Toronto are quite a mixed-up bunch. Let me explain. The city’s wonderful diversity is slowing transforming Toronto into a melting pot of multi-race, multi-cultural and oh so very unique kids.

Being from the Caribbean I’m ecstatic to see this transformation happening and soon the face of the world will be more beautiful than it’s ever been. Having parents from opposite sides of the world must be invigorating.

However, I noticed that there needs to be some clarification on the difference between nationality and a race of people. Actually, I’ve noticed the need for this clarification for years while living in Toronto.

The first thing is you can’t be mixed with Trinidadian and Canadian, or be half Guyanese and half African. Why? Think about it, what does that really mean? That you have dual citizenship? I understand that people use this to explain their roots, but it’s also used to explain what races someone might be mixed with and that’s where it gets confusing. You can’t be mixed with citizenship.

Here’s a quick history lesson on the Caribbean as I feel it would shed some light on this discussion. Also since I'm from there it's the best way for me to get my message across.

If you’re not familiar with the Caribbean it’s very similar to Toronto in terms of the various races of people living in the same place who have all come from different parts of the world. When Columbus discovered the West Indies, along came the British, Spanish and French plantation owners. Plantation owners brought hordes of slaves from Africa to work on the plantations, this is why a large demographic of Caribbean people are black as their ancestors are directly from Africa. When slavery was abolished many indentured workers were brought in from India and then some from East Asia and Portugal in smaller numbers. Let’s not forget the natives who were already living in many of the islands like the Caribs and Arawaks.

So you see, people from all over the world immigrated to the archipelago of islands we call the Caribbean just as people from all over the world have settled here in Toronto.

I’ve heard my friends say with a puzzled look, “He looked like he was Indian but told me he was Caribbean,” or “She looked white but she was Caribbean.” Now you see it’s not so puzzling afer all.

Just as by saying you’re from Toronto doesn’t reflect your race and you can’t really say you’re half Torontonian because that could mean your ancestors were from any part of the world, or you were born in any part of the world. If you were born here, you’re Canadian and that’s a beautiful thing to be embraced. I understand that such diversity in a city causes a certain feeling of fragmentation in a society and in its people. So, we grasp at the puzzle pieces we have to create an identity for ourselves to give us roots where we don’t feel like we have any. And so, we say we’re half Trini, when in fact our father was born in Trinidad and he left when he was 18 and you’ve never visited. It makes us interesting and exotic to make those delineations, I get it. But me obtaining a British passport and becoming British doesn’t make me anymore British than Madonna.

I’m Black (African), Indian, Amerindian (Guyanese Native), Portuguese and possibly some French, Dutch and East Asian I’ve been told. My great, great, great grandparents were slaves, indentured workers, slave owners and Guyanese natives. I’m Guyanese. Saying that I’m Guyanese only means that I was born there. I am mixed races. Yes, that’s a thing. In Guyana when filling out forms about your race there’s a box that says mixed races. Then you can check off the races that you are mixed with and there’s a separate box to state your nationality. I think Canada needs to implement this box, not only in our paper work but in our discourse about diversity.

To wrap up, I may sound like I’m being a know-it-all, but I’m just so darn proud to be so mixed and that Toronto and the world seem to be becoming one big melting pot of all the beautiful races of the world. I think it would be great for people to understand their heritage more, and know exactly what it means to be from somewhere else or from right here in Toronto. I also think it’s great that people who are second or third generation want to identify with their heritage by saying they are half Trini or Jamaican, but when translated it’s as if someone is saying they are half East Asian… so does that mean you are Chinese, Japanese, Korean? It’s just so unnecessarily vague and a slight effort would lend some much needed clarity.

Before I get the third degree from everyone, I don’t expect people to stop saying that they are half this or part that, I think the discourse will evolve naturally. We have to describe our heritage somehow and in the best way we know how, I’m just saying there’s room for improvement. You end up having to explain yourself anyways when you say you’re Trini then I ask what part of Trinidad you’re from, or your parents, or anything and you don’t know…. That's a knowing where you came from fail right there.

I consider myself a Torontonian, and saying that takes on the same meaning as saying I’m Caribbean. I’m a part of this wonderful twirl of cultures, swishing and swashing together, but, if asked my nationality it’s Guyanese, if given the opportunity to add a bit more detail– my ancestors were African, Portuguese, Amerindian and Indian, and that’s why I look so funny .

Let me be a hippie for a second and say maybe we get too tied up about where we are from, we are citizens of the world, and hopefully one day we will care as much about where we are from as we do where the flowers in a garden are from.

Funny story on perception- As a kid living in Guyana, I was bullied for not being black; in Toronto I’m constantly referred to as black. Cool beans.

Also check out that TorontoLife article
http://www.torontolife.com/informer/features/2013/02/12/mixie-me/

Image courtesy Mixed Babies on Tumblur.